Miyerkules, Pebrero 1, 2017
Sabado, Enero 14, 2017
IF BULAN AND SIDAPA WERE YAOI HENTAI
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| Bulan and Sidapa |
IF SIDAPA AND BULAN IS FEATURED AS YAOI HENTAI
So basically Sidapa and Bulan were old gods worshiped by the Pre-Christianized Visayas and in some parts of coastal Bicol. Their story involves all things immoral for the modern Christian or Catholic, example Pederasty. yup! you heard it right. they are a pair of Man loves a boy, and yes Homosexuality. Talk about ultra immoral right? But what if someone made them as characters in an animated porn movie, a hentai or a yaoi? would be awesome right? It would be very kinky,
Sidapa and Bulan
(sam milby and kim hye seong)
so for those who lack imagination, these would be a very nice visual aid of them a beefcake, a hunk who could make girls and gay men drool with his armpits, while Bulan is so pretty and radiant you need sunglasses when staring at this cutie pie
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Sidapa the god of death was said to be tall, handsome and muscular ..(he is such a beefcake huh?) but wait! girls! he's taken lol you'd have to compete with an otherworldly beauty to get this hunk. Bulan the moon god was said to be a boy, yes a boy.. a pubescent to be exact lithe and androgynous (basically its just a fancy way of saying you can't figure out if that cute girl is actually a boy or vice-versa) so stories say he was so fair and lovely(vitamin deficient snow white teen) that even the mermaids became tame, makes me think of those Kpop idol that look like dolls.
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| Sidapa and Bulan |
So Sidapa is most known for performing miracles just to win the heart and body of the most beautiful boy in space. such as terrifying (like a triad boss does to workers) the birds and mermaids to sing(Because Sidapa does not sing he is too badass) odes for him. Obliging the flowers to bloom and make nectar and fragrance(so Bulan would smell it and come down) also capturing starlight and giving it to the insects (talk about bribery) starlight thus making them fireflies to light the way for Bulan (just like those lights when an airplane lands lol) and lastly he is known for other not-so-important stuff like defeating the god of war and plunder(because their rivals) and (extending lives of the dying or preventing genocide and slavery by) stopping wars before they begin, and extending the lives of the dying when you pray to him.
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| Sidapa and Bulan |
Bulan is popularly known for his nightly swims (most stories involving him taking a bath or a swim, seriously) unattainable beauty standards being fairest (i guess he's so white coz he does not go out during the day or does any sunbathing lol) and having eyes and hair as black as midnight...and for being a snob, he ignored the Bakunawa (thus the dragon swore he would eat the moon or moons). Basically, Bulan is so pretty with light skin (like a model for skin white lol) people who saw him worshiped him for it and other became dumbfounded ..such as the human eating, men drowning mermaids. He was so beautiful there is even a colony or a modern-day municipality named after him (Bulan,Sorsogon)
Girls go grab some tissue paper for your nose and Boys go grap some tissue papers for you-know-what *winks*
Ok ok.. this isn't them but since i don't have talent for drawing lets just pretend its them Ok?
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| Sidapa and Bulan |
TOP FOUR PHILIPPINE LITERARY HEROES WHO WOULD TOTALLY WHUMP THOR’S ASS
As Thor hits the theatres, we are once again inundated with questions about the background of the original Thor, the Norse god of thunder, not the hero that was Marvel-lized for commercial purposes. We thought, though, that Thor is somewhat over-rated, especially when the Philippines have its share of superheroes whose lives are infinitely more interesting than the Norse god.
No, we’re not talking about Gagamboy or Lastikman. We are talking about the literary heroes from different epics all around the country – and each of them can easily beat Thor with one hand. Read on…
4. Saragnayan of Hinilawod
I feel for this guy, that’s why I refuse to call him a villain. I mean if some friggin’ demigod punk comes knocking at your door demanding to shag your wife, what is the guy to do?
The epic of Hinilawod identifies Saragnayan as the Lord of Darkness whose wife, Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata is famous for her beauty. The hero of Hinilawod, Labaw Donggon had recently collected two wives but, not content, he sought out a third wife, Nagmalitong Yawa Sinag—you know, Saragnayan’s wife. Anyway, Saragnayan and Labaw Donggon fought for the lady (don’t make me type the name, please. My fingers are bleeding).
Yup, you read it right. Saragnayan vanquished the Hinilawod hero by thrashing him not with a police truncheon but with a coconut tree – and that was after having been submerged underwater for seven years.
The man just don’t know when to quit. In fact, years later, Saragnayan moved to the US and raped Michael Phelps mother [citation needed] , thereby transferring his ability to hold his breath underwater for an indeterminate period of time. He also fathered a less successful progeny, Aquaman, who later on became the most useless member of the Justice League [citation needed]but that’s not what this article is all about.
And speaking of strong lungs, we go to the next hero…
3. Humadapnon of Hinilawod
Humadapnon is a bad-ass, that is a given. He would have handily defeated Thor and would have bitch-slapped the Thunder God to the next century.
Consider what he has done so far:
- He almost single-handedly slew the family and kin of Saragnayan as revenge for what happened to big brother Labaw Donggon with the use of his kampilan. Kind of like Bruce Lee, only with less kicks and more blood. And guts hanging out.
- Enraged after he discovered that his bride married another man a “mere” seven years after his absence — don’t ask me where they went because it’s really ridiculous — he slew, also almost single-handedly, the entire entourage and the guests during the reception. Kind of like Kill Bill with less automatic weapons.
- He battled an eight-headed monster that guards the Underworld when he went after his wife.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (Shouting while firing machine gun) "Tell hem etch John Rambo" | Rambo, pales in comparison to Humadapnon | Image from http://bit.ly/lGbbKr
But, some of you might say, that has been done by Rambo. Rambo, however, does not have wives named Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata and Burigadang Pada Sinaklang Bulawan. The Civil Registrar at that time reportedly took one look at the name of the sisters and had a seizure.
Imagine what it was like to have a wife with that name. What if you are Humadapnon and you had a long day? You just waded through a sea of blood, battled a monster or was enchanted by a wily seductress – you know, the usual job hazards of being a demigod. Now you wanted a massage – very badly.
You will have to scream the name of your wives, and pronto! Quick, try saying Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata or Burigadang Pada Sinaklang Bulawan in one breath and you will see what I mean. Or say you were having sex with either one of your wives and in the middle of the act she suddenly says, “Say my name, bitch!” That would be a real deal-breaker if you fail to say the name properly.
Humadapnon. Big arms, sharp kampilan. And most importantly, strong lungs.
2. Sulayman of Indarapatra and Sulayman
Sulayman was the brother of Haring Indarapatra from the Maranao epic Indarapatra at Sulayman. Sulayman was sent by big brother Indarapatra to the lands that were ravaged by different kinds of monsters and he dispatched of them one by one as easily as Jason Bourne did with the other agents.
And how did he get to the places? He didn’t ride a Porsche – he rode the wind, handily gaining the support of environmentalists and the cool dudes at the same time. He first sought out Kurita, a creature with many limbs (either a product of a freak scientific experiment or a radiation leak – take your pick).
He killed the creature – but the epic poem was not clear on how he did it, but for sure he did it with style and a few flicks of his kampilan while reading a Koran in one hand. Yes, he is THAT cool.
He next rode the wind (not a metaphor for anybody, I’m sure) and went to Mt Matutum and encountered a giant called Tarabusaw. *Yawn* He sliced and diced the monster before it can even touch him.
He went to Mt Bita next where the giant bird Pah was residing. He took one look at the bird Pah, then hit the bird with his sword. That was either one wimpy avian monster or Sulayman is just an expert in carving birds. Anyway, the bird was immediately killed, but as it fell, its wing clipped and crushed our hero knocking the wind (and his life) out of him.
But don’t grieve yet! Indarapatra after all, is more than just a name in the title. He learned about the death of Sulayman through a plant whose life force was somehow connected to the man (kind of like E.T.).
Indarapatra just simply gathered the bones of his brother, and poured water on them – and voila! He’s ALIIIIIIIIIVE again.
Yeah… well, what do you expect. These heroes are hardier than the X-Men.
Which brings us to Number 1…
1. Lam-ang from Biag Ti Lam-ang
Lam-ang is perhaps the most iconic of all pre-colonial literary heroes – or maybe he just pays his publicist well. Our hero, as soon as he was born, immediately told his mother to name him “Lam-ang”. His mother of course did not question whether a child that can barely even lift its head can already speak and boss people around about his name, and immediately acceded to the little brat’s request.
SHOW THE BROTHER SOME RESPECT | Lam-ang, the meanest, toughest of them all | Image from http://bit.ly/iHxYpf
The little brat, as soon as he got his name, immediately drove her mother out of his home, became a wrestler and fell in love with a stripper. Oh, wait, that was the gritty reboot of Lam-ang by Warner Bros.[citation needed].
Lam-ang, according to literary sources, learned through his mother that his father Don Juan was slain by a band of Igorots. Naturally, Lam-ang went on a rampage and killed an entire band of Igorots single-handedly. In fact, the grime and the filth that he got after gutting his enemies one by one covered his body so thickly, when he washed it off in a nearby river, all the fish in the area died (probably the first recorded fishkill ever). Note, he was hardly a year old at that time (I smell a steroid user).
Lam-ang then fell in love with Ines Canoyan who, in stories like these, is as hot as a Victoria’s Secret model but showing less skin.
To impress Ines, Lam-ang brought with him his pet rooster and dog – a sort of demolitions-and-construction team – they alternately collapsed and rebuilt a nearby house (not sure if bones were found underneath the collapsed house – the epic does not concern itself with collateral damage).
PIRATES VERSUS HINILAWOD HEROES
The last time, NegrosSugar compiled four dream match-ups by pairing up an X-Men character (villain or otherwise) with his/her counterpart in pre-colonial Panay literature. This time, with the furor over that pirate not entirely over, NegrosSugar has decided to pair this time heroes or villains from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise against their counterparts in the Panay epic tale of Hinilawod.
And here they are:
SHE CALLS HER LOVER Devee Joons - Calypso or Tia Dalma at left | Not to be confused with the daughter of Bob Marley at right | Calypso image from http://ow.ly/55K08 | Bob Marley image from http://ow.ly/55K0A
I. Calypso vs Piganun
Calypso a.k.a. Tia Dalma is a sea goddess known as Tia Dalma in human form. According to Pirates of the Caribbean mythos, she was the one who provided Captain Jack Sparrow with the special compass.
Special Skills: Said to be able to control the seas, can bring back decomposing pirates back to life, speaks with a faux West Indie accent
Is known for… her dread locks, boho chic style, beauty marks on her face, and preternaturally blackened teeth and lips (probably representing her otherworldliness – or the fact that she just ate pusit and failed to brush her teeth – hey, we’ll never know, really)
Most memorable scene involves her growing up to 60 feet tall after she was freed from her human bonds and turning into crabs, thousands of it. Then she turned into maelstrom that killed – nobody. Wimp.
Not to be confused with: The bastard daughter of Bob Marley, or Tia Dalming, the town manicurista
Piganun is a shape-shifting enchantress who entranced Buyong Humadapnon for seven months.
Special skills: Will enchant sailors, demigods, and hapless men who manage get stranded on her island.
Is known for… her notoriously difficult-to-find address which only idiot-sons of gods like Humadapnon can find – but only accidentally. To find her, you will have to pass by the region of the clouds, then through the region of eternal darkness, and finally to a place called Tarambang Buriraw.
Most memorable scene involves her showing her allergy to ginger after Buyong Matanayon burned seven slices of the spice to drive her away. Wimp. No taho for this lady.
Not to be confused with: Circe or Ginmayunan, another sorceress who enchanted chick magnet Humadapnon.
- How they will fight: Calypso will turn into thousands of crabs, which will be an advantage since Piganun’s charms had never once worked on crustaceans (or so I think). Piganun will try to capture all the crabs and will collapse with exhaustion.
- Who will win: Calypso, but only after Piganun died of exhaustion.
II. Davy Jones vs. Saragnayan
Davy Jones is the captain of the Flying Dutchman who was cursed after failing to ferry souls to the other side (not to be confused with Bruno Mars’song). Known for being heartless — his invincibility is mainly because his heart is kept under lock and key in a chest.
TOP LEFT - Davy Jones of the Flying Dutchman | Not to be confused with the squid adobo | Image at right is the baboy ramo | Davy Jones image from http://ow.ly/55K3F | Squid image from http://ow.ly/55K4q | Baboy ramo image from http://ow.ly/55K4H
Special Skills: Can teleport, able to pass through solid objects; also skilled in swordsmanship; can make beard move on its own accord (though my uncle can also do this after he has a bottle of gin in him)
Is known for… his tentacle beard. Also for being an idiot. If he can pass through solid objects, what is he doing needing the key to the chest for? Also, if he can teleport, then he should have done so several times during battle. Also has a locker where he presumably keeps his socks… no wait, that was the OTHER Davey Jones from Spongebob Squarepants. (Note to self: Should stop watching Spongebob marathons).
Most memorable scene involves him battling Captain Jack Sparrow atop the ship’s mast. Despite his “supernatural” powers, Sparrow was able to take the upper hand.
Not to be confused with: The squid you just ate for dinner
Saragnayan is the lord of darkness who subdued Hinilawod’s hero by thrashing him with a coconut tree. Also known to have kept his heart inside his pet, a baboy ramo in an enchanted forest.
Special Skills: Is skilled in hand-to-hand combat; inventive in use of weapons (as shown by that coconut tree thrashing he gave to Labaw Donggon)
Is known for… his beautiful wife Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata, which spurred Labaw Donggon to challenge the Lord of Darkness in a fight, which caused him to beat up the punk demigod, which caused Labaw Donggon’s sons Asu Mangga ang Buyong Baranugon to avenge their father’s death, which in turn… ah never mind.
Most memorable scene involves him being submerged under water by Labaw Donggon for seven years, showing that the man is half-amphibian. And he survived, that’s important.
Not to be confused with: Aquaman. Or Hades. Or Aquaman crossed with Hades. Whatever.
How they will fight: Since Davey Jones cannot be on land (unless he puts a bucket of water beneath him), then that means that the fight leans towards Saragnayan’s favour. He will try to drown Saragnayan but Saragnayan will survive the attempt. In the end, Saranayan will use his powers to shatter the chest and stab Davey Jones’ heart. He then becomes the new captain of the Dutchman.
Who will win: The smarter warrior who in this case is Saragnayan (duh!)
III. Will Turner vs. Humadapnon
Will Turner is the son of “Bootstrap” Bill Turner, a smithy who turned to piracy. He later on became captain of the Dutchman.
Special Skills: Skilled in swordfighting and, uh, boinking Elizabeth Swann.
ERAP ESTRADA, (left) former president, not to be confused with Humadapnon | At right, Will Turner | Erap image from http://ow.ly/55K71 | Will Turner image from http://ow.ly/55K7k
Is known for… his sword-making skills, questionable ethics (engaging in piracy and deceit just to rescue the ones he loves – he seems like the ancestor to our politicians), his self-discipline. I mean, having sex only every 10 years? The man is a saint!
Most memorable scene… is… um… wait, I’m still thinking. Oh… when he returns as the captain of the Dutchman. That was because I heard a crash behind me, followed by a scream and an ugly “THUD”. Some Orlando Bloom fan cracked her skull against the theatre floor after fainting.
Not to be confused with: Legolas.
Humadapnon is one of the demigod sons of Alunsina. He and brothers Labaw Donggon and Dumalapdap are the heroes of Hinilawod.
Special Skills: Skilled in the use of the kampilan, has very strong lungs (with wives like Burigadang Pada Sinaklang Bulawan and Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata, he can’t help it); has super strength.
Is known for… being a chick magnet, the only known literary hero who was stranded in an island and was trapped by a beautiful enchantress – TWICE! Eat your heart out, Odysseus!
Most memorable scene when he battled an eight-headed monster in the underworld so that he could get to his wife, Nagmalitong Yawa Sinag— you know her – whom he stabbed to death. Why? Because the wh*re married another man while Humadapnon was away for a mere seven years. Tsk, women…
Not to be confused with: Erap Estrada, or any other leader with multiple wives
How the will Fight: They won’t. They will exchange notes on their imposed celibacy – Will Turner, being celibate every 10 years, and Humadapnon, for letting his wife wait for seven years before sleeping with her. They will then bewail their idiocy over bottles of rum and tuba.
A SCENE FROM THE MOVIE FIGHT CLUB | Image from http://eu.techcrunch.com
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